A different kind of fear.

I cried today.

But it was a different kind of tears.

About 2 years ago, I cried, I cried a tsunami. In this same room, on this same bed and possibly in this same dress.

I cried because I was sacred. I still am. But it’s a different kind of fear now.

I was scared of what the future held. I had no plans for my life . Nothing at all. Zilch.  You could as well call me an NFA (no future ambition) I was about to graduate school and I had no idea how I wanted my life to go. And that was scary as hell.

But about 2 years later.

I’m here. Still the little fearful girl I’ve always been. But with a bigger faith than I’ve ever had. 

I have almost everything figured out. More than I thought I would. I’m blessed and I’m not even talking about the material things. Everything is working fine and I mean everything.

But. I’m scared.

Can I hold this all together? What if I mess things up? What if I’m never happy? And there’s an endless list of “what ifs”

So the question is why? Why aren’t we ever satisfied. I mean one would think I’d be a happy-go-lucky kid, considering how much I’ve been blessed.

But I have a theory: maybe we are never to reach that state where we are totally and perfectly satisfied. Content, yes, but not satisfied. Cause maybe when we become satisfied we stop trying to be better, stop hoping for more and eventually, stop chasing after God.

And that’s where the real tragedy happens. You stop living  and start to settle cause you think you have everything you need.

Fear, when put in the right context is not always a bad thing, (hold your stones ye bible scholars, let me finish fest!) I believe fear starts to become a problem when it begins to grow bigger than your faith, even the bible says overcome fear with Faith. If there were no fear, there would be nothing to use your faith for.

So it’s ok to fret a bit, don’t beat yourself up too much for feeling a little afraid of what the future holds, as far as you don’t get stuck in that little valley called fear, instead let faith steer you towards anchoring your life (along with your fears and uncertainties) on Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith. He’d never leave you hanging, trust me, I know.

So be content.

But not so much as satisfied.

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