Words, The petty ones.

I struggled frantically as i felt the last bit of air being sucked out of my lungs, i was transcending into another realm. I was dying.
I tried to grope for something, anything but there was nothing to hold onto.
My first thoughts were to call out for mum, but the words won’t even form.
I guess this is what death felt like.
I was been carried, no one was around but i was being carried, to a stage, no, more like stand, witness stand.
“What’s happening to me?” my face was wet. I was Alone.
Alone and scared as hell.
In front of me appeared a screen, no not screen, it was too large to be called a screen. More like a window, a window into the world.
“Mum, Stop it!” wait, was that me? Of course it was. I knew my own voice. I stared, disbelieving, as the other me glared at my mother complaining about how she was being so judgmental before storming off.
What had we been arguing about? A boy? The one who broke my heart a few months later? Gosh!
I watched with horror as my mum dropped to the couch trying to hold back tears, to think that she was hurting for me and because of me. All at once.
My stomach dropped to my knees
“I apologized” i muttered in self defense, but deep down i knew i couldn’t fix the hurt my mother felt that day as i screamed in her face.
The next couple of images were of me with a handful of people, close friends, strangers, the taxi driver, the waitress, lovers, classmates, my dog, even my dog, Gosh i was such a pain!
The room began filling with silly one sided statements like, “Nope, it’s your fault that happened” “I didn’t see your name on it” “You should have gotten here first” “You never do it right” “you’re such a pain” and i went on and on.
At this point, i didn’t need to wonder what this was about.
I was being shown each and every argument i had had growing up.
Funny thing, most of them erupted from petty issues that i could have let slide. I watched my other self, willing my legs to hold a little longer,
How i raged when i should have learned Patience.
How i blurted out hateful words when i should have learned Love.
How i handed out judgement when i should have learned Empathy.
I couldn’t have those moments back.
If i had another chance… perhaps that’s what everyone who had come before me thought.
The window dissolved and slowly darkness crept all over, swallowing me.
Was i awakening from this dreadful dream or was i just transcending into my much deserved doom?
I couldn’t tell.

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